Tonight I was seriously considering leaving Pretoria by taking my backpack and hike all the way to Cape Town. I have no established dream yet; no personal goal that I want to reach. For some reason hiking such a distance appears to be a solution, though I’m not quite sure it is. What would I gain from it? What goal would I reach in the end? If I walk all the way from Pretoria to Cape Town to give a message to a woman I saw in a local movie by walking, and the message just being that she’s the prettiest girl I saw by far, would that count for something? Probably not. I’m pretty sure she’s in a relationship and I’d end up making a fool out of myself.
Though, the desire is there to reach something. It feels like I haven’t done anything great in my life; like I haven’t taken any risks. I’ve been a floater in the waves of the stormy sea, blown by the wind and taken by the current whichever way it chooses to go. I have no direction; even worse is that I don’t know where I am. Getting out of it is a difficult mission. The long stagnation caused me to be lazy to swim. All I am doing right now is “hoping and waiting” for an opportunity to come by. The fact is, it might not come now. I might be in the middle of the Indian Ocean, right between Africa and Australia; close to Antarctica where ships seldom pass by. The silence swallows me in deeper every day, paralysing me second after second. I’m so concealed in the quietness that it’s like I’m wearing a straitjacket. I see no way out. If a ship does come, would it save me? Would it even be the right ship? Which direction would it take me?
The question I sit with is how to start swimming; and which direction should I swim? I cannot wait and hope all my life for an opportunity to come along. How long would that take? I have to act now. I have to take risks now. I have to discover the real me before it’s too late.
But how; but what?